


Almost Gone

by angelsfalling16



Series: 20 First Kisses [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I promise there's a happy ending, M/M, Self-Harm, SnowBaz, it's just really painful first, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 06:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15358839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Simon Snow doesn't want to be the chosen one anymore, and Baz doesn't know how to help him.





	Almost Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: self-harm

**Baz**

It’s late when I return to Mummers House. I open the door and glance over at Snow’s bed, expecting him to be asleep. When I see him, my breath catches in my throat and my bag drops from my shoulder to the floor with a soft thud.

Snow is sitting up in bed with his eyes closed. I watch as his chest rises and falls and tears stream down his face in two continuous rivers. I look down at his bed where his arms lay and make a strangled noise in my throat.

Blood streams over his arms and onto his white sheets. My fangs push out, but I force them back in. I’m not thirsty, and even if I was, I would never drink human blood. I would rather die. I can’t control my reaction to the blood, though.

There is so much blood.

“Snow…” I whisper to the room. He doesn’t even stir.

I move slowly, carefully, to stand beside Snow’s bed. “Snow…” I say again. “What have you done?”

A dark smile crosses his face. “S’nothing, Baz.” He opens his eyes halfway to peer at me through his short lashes. “I’m fine.” His eyes flutter shut.

My hands move toward him then away again. I’m not sure what to do. What can you possibly do when someone has inflicted so much pain onto themselves?

“Simon,” I say softly. “Why did you do this?”

“I’m just –,” he attempts to say, but it sounds like he’s having trouble breathing. “I’m just so tired. So tired of being the Chosen One.” He chuckles darkly, then coughs. His skin is starting to pale. It isn’t as pale as mine. Yet. If I don’t figure out a way to help him soon, he won’t survive this, though.

I pull my wand out of my pocket and cast the spell  ** _Get well soon_** , but nothing happens. I try again, but it still doesn’t work.

Snow coughs out another laugh and says, “S’okay, Baz. You win.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, horrified. “What could I possibly win in this situation?”

He slowly pries his eyes open to look at me. “The fight. You don’t have to kill me, now. I’ll be dead soon enough.”

Tears spring to my eyes, surprising me. “This is not how I want to win. This isn’t winning at all. This is you giving up.”

His eyebrows scrunch together before his eyes fall shut again. “But now we don’t have to fight. No one will have to depend on me anymore.” He draws in a shaky breath, and tears drip from my chin and drop down next to the puddles of blood on his bed. “And no one will be hurt because of me anymore.”

“What are you talking about, Snow?” I ask angrily. He doesn’t get to do this. He doesn’t get to just give up.

“I don’t want to be the Chosen One anymore. I’m no good at it. I can’t even do magic right. Someone else will come to take my place. It will all be okay.”

I drop to my knees next to his bed. “Are you insane, Snow?” I nearly shout. But shouting won’t help the situation. “Nothing will be okay if you die. I –,” I begin. I swallow around the knot in my throat before continuing. “I won’t be okay,” I whisper, staring at the wall above his head. “I won’t be okay if you die, Simon.”

His eyes crack open slightly, and he squints at me suspiciously. “Don’t be ridiculous, Baz. You’ll finally have everything you wanted. I’ll be dead and gone.”

A sob escapes my throat, and I reach out to lightly place my hand next to his. I try to avoid the blood that just keeps flowing out of him. “This isn’t what I want, Snow!” This time I do yell. He isn’t listening to me. I need him to hear me. I need for him to be okay. “I don’t want you to die!”

His eyes widen as he watches me fall apart. “Baz…” he says hoarsely. I look into his blue eyes, but his face is blurry. The tears won’t stop. “Baz, I’m sorry. But you’re too late.”

I can’t breathe. I want to scream. I want to throw something. I just – I just want to wake up. I want for this all to be a dream and for Simon Snow to not be dying in our bedroom.

I point my wand at him again and choke out the spell around my sobs. Nothing happens, but I can’t give up. I must figure out something I can do to save him. Snow is not allowed to die like this.

Snow moves the hand that is next to mine on the bed until our fingers are touching. I move my hand to rest on top of his. He intertwines our fingers, and another sob forces its way out of me.

Suddenly, I feel a flame entering my body. At first, it feels like I’m burning from the inside out. (I wouldn’t mind that if it meant that I would die with Snow.) Then, I realize that the flame isn’t burning. It actually feels kind of nice. It feels like Snow’s energy is leaving his body and entering mine.

“Snow, what are you doing?”

“S’okay, Baz,” he says again, smiling at me with tear-filled eyes. “Take it. Take my magic. I don’t need it anymore.”

I try to yank my hand away, but he holds onto me with a strength someone so close to death shouldn’t have. “Simon, please don’t do this. I don’t want your magic.” He just shakes his head at me without saying anything.

I feel his magic pulsing through my body. It’s so warm. “ ** _Get well soon_**!” I try one last time. I feel the force of mine and Snow’s magic working together. It pours through my arm to my hand and then out of my wand. I feel powerful at this moment. I think that the spell will actually work this time. I hold my breath watching him.

Nothing happens. His grip on my hand loosens and his eyes fall shut.

I stand up abruptly and throw my wand at the wall. Useless. Everything is so useless – me, my wand, my magic, my love for my roommate. None of it could save him from this darkness.

I start throwing anything I can get my hands on at the wall. There isn’t much but books.

I sink back to my knees by the door. I claw at my shirt and my chest. I can’t breathe. There isn’t enough air in the room. I scream into my hands before falling limp.

Snow is gone. He’s really gone. I knew we would have to fight someday until one of us was dead. But I never imagined that his death would hurt so much. It feels like I died, too, but I still have to suffer. I can’t get away like Snow did.

I pick up a book that I tossed in my fit and throw it across the room again. It doesn’t make me feel better, though. Nothing could ever make me feel better again.

“Baz…” A voice croaks. I glance hopefully at Simon’s bed.  _Maybe he’s alive_ , I think hopefully. He hasn’t moved though. My mind is playing tricks on me. I want to scream again, but no sound comes out.

“Baz,” a voice says again, louder this time. I jump up from the floor and rush to Simon’s side. I take his hand in mine, ignoring the blood.

“Simon?” I whisper.

Nothing happens for a minute. Then, very slowly, Simon’s eyes open. I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s alive. But how?

“Baz, you saved me. Why?” He doesn’t sound angry, just confused.

I argue with myself as part of me yearns to shout that I love him.

“It doesn’t matter,” Simon says when I don’t respond. “I’m glad you did.”

He grabs my hand and squeezes. I look down, and there are no cuts on his arm. They’re just covered in blood. The spell must have finally worked. I just needed his help. Tears start to fall down my face again, and I sink down onto the bed, exhausted.

“Baz,” Simon says, making me look at him. “Thank you. For saving me.” He bites his lip and looks away from me. “When I saw the concern on your face… I knew that I had made a mistake, but I thought it was too late.”

I can’t believe it. Simon Snow just thanked me for saving his life. I thought he would be angry. I thought I was being selfish when I tried to save him. I just couldn’t live without him, so I couldn’t let him go.

He squeezes my hand again, and I lean down towards him. He licks his bottom lip, and I lean down and kiss him.

I barely think about it. Simon nearly died, and I couldn’t stand it. I don’t care how he’ll react. I need him to know that I love him.

He doesn’t push me away. He presses his lips hard into mine. I jump away suddenly, remembering the blood.

I may not be thirsty, but all of the blood is driving me crazy. I stand up, moving away from Simon. He frowns, looking hurt before realization dawns on his face.

“The blood,” he whispers to himself. “I’m so sorry, Baz. I’ll clean it up.”

He jumps up and starts tearing the blood-soaked sheets from his bed. He carries them to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him.

I take a moment to breathe. Simon Snow is alive. He almost died. But he didn’t. I saved him.

He comes back out after a few minutes and finds me sitting on my own bed. I look up, and he’s not wearing a shirt. His cheeks turn pink when he sees me notice.”

“I –,” he stutters. “My shirt had blood on it. I had to take it off.”

I stand up and walk calmly towards him. He watches me but doesn’t move. My eyes wander all over his body. He has several moles, and I want to kiss each and every one of them. When I reach him, I push him back slowly until he hits the wall. Then, I lean down slightly to press my lips to his.

He reaches up to tangle his hands in my hair, and I place my hands on his bare sides. We stay like that for a few minutes before I pull away.

Breathlessly, I say, “Simon, we have to talk about what you just tried to do.” I would much rather kiss him, but we can do that another time. I just have to make sure he’ll live long enough for that to happen first.

He looks down at the floor and sighs. “I know. I just… Can we just enjoy this moment for a minute first?”

I debate with myself for a moment before giving in. I tear I hand through my hair and say, “Fine. But first thing tomorrow we will find someone for you to talk to about this. I don’t want to ever lose you, Snow.”

Snow reaches up to wipe away a tear that began to fall while I was talking. He smiles softly at me and says, “I don’t want to lose you either.” Then, he kisses me.


End file.
